Get Yours this Valentine’s Day

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Bree Neely | Guest Contributor

Valentine’s Day is fraught for everyone, every year. Whether you’re single or loved up, the realization that somehow you’ve not been invited into the peach-hued romance novels of your youth hurts just the same. It’s a time of weird expectations and unfounded beliefs, including the notion anyone would eat or enjoy chocolate truffles procured at a Walgreens.

So this February 14th, shuck off the chains of romanticized . . . romance and commit to celebrating the one you should be loving the most in these short, dark days: yourself. And what better way to show that special lady how amazing she is than busting out the ol’ credit card and buying her something fancy? If you do happen to find yourself on that path, here are a few humble suggestions:

 

Eat Shit, Fuck You

Stop pulling punches in 2018 with this awesome tee, inspired by the fan chants at Wisconsin Badgers games. Not to be reserved only for sporting events involving badgers. This tee is equally appropriate for workouts, daycare potlucks, or just hanging around the neighborhood making friends. Buy here for $15.  

 

 

 

Puffy Balls

Pledge to only sit on puffy balls moving forward. Make it your calling card, a key part of your manifesto. If nothing else, it will make for a more interesting corporate bio. $149 at Pottery Barn Teen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rosie Unrivited

Tie on your ol’ bandanny and flip society’s expectations the bird with this modern take on the classic image. Point to it wordlessly next time you’re asked to both bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan. Sizes vary, starting at $17.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Boob Bathmat

While your mind’s on decorating to celebrate your lady bits, grab a new mat so you can finally sink your toes into that nice plush set of titties you’ve been wanting. $60 (but a bargain at twice the price).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mantone® Mug

Drink deeply from the well of discontent with this clever send-up on the shit we deal with everyday (wage gaps, fragile masculinity and rush-hour manspreading, to name a few gems) in a design we can appreciate. Somewhere in the $15 range.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Those Midford Girls

Invite these saucy lasses onto your walls to remind you of the virtues of sophistication, artistry, a well-defined lip and – most importantly – turbans. Prices are all over the place, but start at $40.

 

 

 

Whatever you get for yourself or your associated lovers this Valentine’s Day, make sure it speaks to the awesomeness that is you and yours, not the BS corporate shenanigans shoved down our throats. And have a lovely one.

LifestyleVirginia McCarver