Swear Like a Sailor (Like a Bad*ss Broad)
Hannah Duggan | Guest Contributor
(Editor's note: It should really go without saying, but just in case. . . . If you are not a fan of colorful language and/or tend to take things too seriously, this post is not for you. It is also not for those twelve and under.)
S’UP BROADS!! We all knew the rules when we were little:
“You can’t say these words.”
“These are grown up words, kids don’t say things like that.”
“When you are a grown up, you can say whatever you want—not now!”
“Please don’t ever say that at school.”
“If I ever fucking catch you saying that, you’re grounded!”
Well, I’ve grown up and I love to swear like a badass broad!
I’m not entirely sure when I began swearing with great abandon. I’m guessing I mastered the art of “swearing like a sailor” in my mid- to late-20s when I began to own the words like they were simply an extension of myself. I will throw in a fuck, shit, ass, piss, cocksucker, motherfucker every other word given the opportunity. In fact, just this morning I was with a new personal trainer and I said, without even thinking about it, “This fucking sucks.” She turned to me and said, “I’m so happy you said that. I have a filthy mouth and I say ‘fuck’ every other word.”
“I’m with you gal,” I replied “and I don’t think it’s filthy. It’s just a word. The best fucking word ever!!”
Now, are there rules? Sure. Self-imposed rules. You choose where, when, how, and why to use them. I don’t judge. Here are some of my own personal rules. You can make your own.
Gettin' Your Swear On
1. Some swear words can be used both in anger and as a term of endearment (feel free to add an “ing” or “ly” for fun and/or use any combination of these words):
-fuck, motherfucker, fuck head, fuck wad, fuck face, shit, shit head, shit wad, pig shit, ass, jackass, jack wad, ass lick, piss ant, piss wad, piss fuck, piss shit, asshole, jack hole, fuck hole, anything with hole after it, cocksucker, bitch, bitch head, dick face, dick wad, douchebag, and douche nozzle, etc.
2. Some swear words should only be used as a term of endearment, and perhaps reserved for those friends you’ve had since second grade who recognize these words as the strange monikers of affection you intend them to be:
-slut, bitch, and pussy
That’s just how I feel about it.
3. The more you can string together in one sentence the better.
-“That tree is a motherfucking, cock fucking, shit-licking son of a jack hole fuck face.”
-“You nasty bitch! I love you, slut.”
4. Use discretion. Know your audience. Sometimes you can say “fuck” at a PTA meeting. Sometimes you can’t.
4.a. When you work at an elementary school, you can’t freely use all the cuss words you want around kids. Because, you know . . . your job is to shape young minds and shit. Save the swearing for home.
4.b. The reason kids can’t swear is because they don’t understand discretion. Some adults don’t either. If you don’t understand discretion, don’t swear.
Now get out there broads and choose your words wisely! Have no fear. Be brave and stereotype-defying in all things, including language choice! Say what you mean and fuckin’ mean what you say!
Hannah Duggan is one of the funniest broads this side of the mother-effin' Mississipp! Check out her work—as an actor, writer, director, set designer, and all-around renaissance woman—at the Buntport Theatre.